Setting expectations with women

As a young man with little life experience and a poor understanding of human nature, my dating and sex life hovered hinged on being monogamous with one woman and cheating on her on the side. After I broke up with my ex, I realized that my approach to women wasn’t working. Let me explain; I was single for a very long time and my only source of sex was from the occasional one night stand. Like most players, I became extremely jaded from sleeping with so many women to the point where I just wanted to find a “good girl” and settle down. You see, I did not have a happy childhood; I grew up with a beta father and an extremely domineering mother. In other words, I grew up without a male role model and a very damaged maternal figure. I had very serious mommy issues and projected this onto my ex; I wanted her to save me from myself.

Looking back, knowing what I know right now, my relationship with her was doomed to fail from the outset. I had unrealistic expectations from her from the get go. She ticked all my boxes, she was pretty, of the same socio-economic class as me, was a great cook, well mannered, and had only slept with 2 ex-boyfriends before me. I was smitten; I dropped everything I did for her because I thought she was “the one”, my soul mate. For the first 2 months, everything was amazing. I saw her once a week and eventually began spending the weekend at her place. She made amazing food for me from scratch, have sex with me, and go on long walks where we got to know each other better. I felt (Using feelings and not logic) that I was in love. In reality, oxytocin was flooding my system. This woman allowed me to pair-bond; something my traumatic childhood made me unable to do for a long time. Lo and behold, the first signs of drama began to manifest itself when she rolled her eyes at me for something extremely trivial (I forgot to bring my wallet). I went ballistic, my reality was shattered; my unicorn was not the perfect woman I imagined she would be–she was just like the others! Needless to say, that was the end of our honeymoon phase; we started fighting a lot, making empty threats, and spending the next 18 months trying to regain the ‘spark’ we had initially when we first met. Fuck that, the spark never came back because it was never there to begin with. The strong feelings we had for each other was simply a manifestation of unrealistic expectations.

Being older and wiser, I understand human nature better now. People, both men and women get disappointed when their expectations are not met. When people are disappointed, they react either by being upset or angry. As I’ve mentioned here, I treat all my fuck buddies very well. Since I don’t judge them, they feel comfortable telling me about their past sexual experiences and other shocking things I would never have imagined. As I’m very open about the fact that I’m seeing other girls, they know that I don’t do monogamy, and stop trying to boyfriend me. I set this precedent from the outset. Doing this allows me to spin plates without worrying about being caught cheating and all the ensuing drama that comes with being caught cheating. As a matter of principle, I don’t make promises I can’t keep; by not promising monogamy, it makes it impossible for me to cheat; the girl I’m seeing has no logical, rational reason to get upset with me because she never had the expectation that I would be in a relationship with her.

Live life by your own rules. When it comes to women, it isn’t rocket science. Set your own precedent, do not allow her to set her precedent. You create your own reality. 

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