I don’t do this

Several years ago, I went out with one of my best friends to pick up women at night. He is, and to this day, remains one of the best wingmen I have ever met.

Being a kid back then, I made the (very obvious) observation that women are almost always never alone and that most women could usually be found in pairs. Remarkably (note the sarcasm), I noticed that most pairs almost always consisted of one attractive girl and one unattractive girl. I wanted my friend to get laid, so I told him that if we met such a pair, I would wingman for him so that he could get the attractive girl.

Lo and behold, we met 2 Koreans that night. While one of the pair was extremely attractive, the other, unfortunately, was a whale. Let’s call the attractive one Soju, and the fat one fatty.

We met Soju and fatty at the smoking area outside the club. As most attractive women are, Soju was extremely hostile initially. Surprisingly, her friend was not the least hostile. Later on, it transpired that her friend barely spoke english; this explained why she didn’t try to cockblock us.

On the premise of air conditioning and alcohol, we convinced them to come back home with us, giving them plausible deniability. We go up to the reception on the second floor where we had everything set up. The drinking games ensued shortly.

An hour passes and fatty is passed out. My buddy goes to the restroom, leaving me, fatty (who’s passed out by now) and Soju. I’m fiddling on my phone and Soju puts her head into the sliding door leading up to the reception (Bizarre, I know). I’m on an office chair and roll over to open the door for her. She falls into my lap, my friend comes out from the toilet right on cue, so I put her into his arms and wink at him. He winks back.

It’s 6am in the morning; my fatigue from dealing with the 2 Koreans is made worse by the copious amounts of vodka we drank. I go brush my teeth and wash my face in preparation for bed. I go out to check on my buddy and lo and behold, noone is around. I run out of the house to find the trio walking out onto the street. I run after them, asking my buddy what happened. He told me in Mandarin that she said “I don’t do this”.

I, being vividly flustered that my hard work had just gone down the toilet, attempted to get the girls back into the house, but they were no longer interested. Their buying temperature had fallen. We got the girls in a cab and waved goodbye. We never saw them again.

Gentleman, some form of resistance to your sexual advances will always be expected. Unless she physically hurts you, or screams at you, take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. To this day, this story remains my fondest. What are some of your stories? 

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