We missed the last train. The only feasible alternative was taking a 4 hour midnight bus ride.
We were both exhausted. Along with the other passengers, she was fast asleep. I, while tired, stayed wide awake. I had an epiphany; one day, we wouldn’t be together anymore. One day, I would have to end it.
I should have ended it sooner. I should not have dragged it out like this. In hindsight, I never intended on being together with her 2 years ago, but somehow we did. Perhaps it was because she filled a void in my life at that time? I took comfort in her presence and eventually developed a nacortic dependence on her. Foolishly, I thought that the search was over and that I had found my unicorn, my soul mate, my one and only.
How wrong I was. I ignored the red flags as they manifested themselves time and time again. I told myself that things would get better, when they never did. I chose to deal with the constant drama and instability that Cathy brought because I didn’t want to be alone. In fact, I looked forward to the catharsis that came from intercourse immediately after the resolution of a disagreement.
While Cathy was damaged in the same way I was, we somehow fell in love. Was it love or was it oxytocin from sex and pairbonding? I’m not sure. Nevertheless, if I had to do it all over again, I would do it without batting an eyelid. Regardless, I know better now.
One thing is for sure. Never again will I prioritize any woman in my life. My mission and happiness takes precedent over any other woman. While Cathy complemented my life in so many ways, I was inherently unhappy. I shudder to think what would happen if we continued our relationship, a relationship which was never properly defined from the get-go. We wanted different things, we had different personalities, we had different values, we were different; too different. We were incompatible. Perhaps we would have had kids and eventually a messy divorce? Perhaps we would have ended up like my parents, constantly arguing and screaming at each other. Perhaps I would have had several mistresses on the side with or without her knowledge?
I have no idea why I locked myself in a monogamous relationship, but I will not be doing this again. Likewise, I’m baffled by why I kept up this charade of a relationship we supposedly had for so long. Perhaps I wanted to convince myself that I could have made it work? In hindsight, I should have ended it sooner. The longer I waited, the harder it was, for both of us.
Gentleman, do not make the mistakes I made.