We live in the 21st century where relationships are fleeting and breakups happen everyday for one reason or the other. I’ve often said that with traditional relationships, you’re either going to get married or break up. Open relationships, however, are a whole different beast with different rules.
Unless you’re spinning plates/ have a mini harem, the end of your relationship can be devastating to anyone.
Addendum: The tips in this article are also applicable to oneitis prevention and your overall development as a man.
1. Be optimistic
There are 7.442 Billion people on earth; if we assumed half of them were female, thats 3.7 Billion women. Even after subtracting everyone who is unattractive/ married/ elderly, there will be a lot of women left for you to meet in this lifetime. Believing that your ex was the one and only girl who could love you is unhealthy. If we all believed this, then widows and widowers would never remarry, divorced couples would never move on, and of course, lovers would never get pass their breakups.
Take solace in this fact and rest assured that you will find someone better. Use this time to reflect on what went wrong, what were your indiscretions? Were there several red flags you missed with your ex? What kind of personality traits did your ex possess that contributed (Note: I didn’t say caused; chances are you too contributed to the breakup in some way) to the breakup? Remember that everything happens for a reason, cause and effect. Were you both simply not compatible? Did you catch her cheating on you? Did you get bored of her? Did she pressure you into marrying her? Did she constantly withhold sex from you? I’ve seen many guys become jaded and bitter during this phase. DON’T use this as an excuse to blame your ex for everything that went wrong. Be aware of the things that went wrong, be honest with yourself–what flaws did you have? Are these flaws fixable? But don’t blame her, and sure as hell don’t blame yourself. Charge it to cause and effect.
If instead of attributing the breakup to cause and effect, you maintain your scarcity mentality, falsely believing that your ex was “The one” or that she was “special”, all you will be left with is a depressing outlook in life filled with much sadness and tears. Negative thoughts breed negative actions; negative actions lead to negative outcomes. By constantly thinking about why she’s not around anymore, not only will your ex not come back to you, you will not find someone to replace her. You will also begin to find life not worth living. You’ll carry this lost passion for life into the other areas of your life, be it your career/ academics/ other relationships and they, like your ex, will no longer be around. Positive thoughts do the opposite. THINKING positively and optimistically will make your life better. Thoughts shape the way we perceive the world; of course, there is a limit to how much positivity one should realistically have. My point is that you take this as a blessing in disguise and believe that things will eventually get better.
2. Allow the silence to be deafening
This is what guys in the Manosphere call the “No-contact rule”. It’s simple, don’t contact her; you will be tempted to talk to her. I know it feels unnatural and eerie not to speak to someone you’ve had so much contact with in the past, but resist the temptation to call her, text her, sing songs to her, send her poetry in the mail. DO NOT even ask her friends about her. Silence is golden.
Let’s use an example. Imagine if you call her once and she doesn’t answer. You call her again, same thing. You’re getting anxious, you’re worried she’s ignoring you on purpose. You decide to text her, so you’ve now called her twice and left a message. She still doesn’t respond. You’re now in a state of irrationality, you’re thinking she MUST be banging another guy, or she’s ignoring you on purpose. Remember, reality is always constant while the mind is always prone to error. She could be in class, at work, or possibly reflecting on the recent events that led to your breakup. My point is that contacting her too soon before you’re calm and collected benefits nobody, not least yourself. By not contacting her, you’re not breaking the silence that needs to permeate the gap between the two of you. One of two things can happen. First, she may realize she misses you and come crawling back to you– in which case, you’ll have the prerogative to decide what to do next. The alternative would be that neither one of you would break the silence, you’ll both move on and find someone new who makes you much happier.
3. Confide in a confidant
As cliche as it sounds, sometimes all we need is a shoulder to cry on. Don’t cry on any fucking shoulder, don’t tell the whole world about the breakup. Confide in someone you trust. Ideally, he should be older than you and someone who has mentored you previously.
Women and men process emotions differently. Going to a female friend or your mum is ill-advised for this reason.
4. Approach other girls
The best way to build an abundance mentality is to actually have abundance. If you were in a long-term monogamous relationship chances are you’ve been out of action for awhile. Get out of the house and start approaching. While you should be pushing every interaction to its limit, be as outcome independent as possible. It is a numbers game after all–expect to be rejected. If you’ve opened your mouth to talk to that girl, that is a victory already. Re-acclimate yourself to reality.
5. Channel your frustration towards something productive
- Work out (and eat healthy)
- Create: start a business, cultivate a skill, make money.
- Have adventures: You’ll have lots of free time to do the things you never had the time to previously–Scuba diving, boxing, wrestling, skydiving. Whatever you want to do, do it.
Regardless of the size of the city you live in, you’ll be reminded of places the both of you used to frequent. Be it your favourite restaurant, a place you went to with her on her birthday. It feels like the twilight zone, going to places which remind you of your time together.
If it gets too much for you, book a plane ticket out of there to somewhere cheaper with more exotic women. If necessary, get a group of friends to go with you.
7. Don’t get addicted to anything
Again, this will sound cliche, but the reason we feel that a part of us has died when we split up with our ex is because sex releases oxytocin which bonds men and women. When your ex leaves, you will inevitably feel depressed to some extent.
Other vices won’t help you get over your oneitis for your ex. Fapping, smoking, gambling, alcohol, drugs, but especially fapping, won’t help. You’ll slowly find yourself fapping to pornos with girls that look like your ex; crying the whole way through. This isn’t healthy and contributes to an overall depressive attitude towards life. You’ll start thinking to yourself “Why me?”
8. Practice mindfulness
Journal your thoughts. Now that your ex is out of your life, you have more free space to think in addition to free time. Use this opportunity to be mindful of what you’re thinking of. Try to journalize intellectual thoughts and ideas, not reminiscent thoughts of the memories you shared.
The mind is a reflexive organ with almost 10,000 thoughts per day. All of us get a variety of negative and positive thoughts which either grow or shrink depending on whether you feed these thoughts. Focus on the positive while neglecting the negative ones.
Your ex is out of you life. Whether this is transient or permanent, you have some time to yourself. Life isn’t all about moving onto the next goal after accomplishing the previous one. Relax, do whatever makes you happy. Life is too short to worry about the one that got away.
10. Ask yourself if you really want her back in your life
Weeks, perhaps months may pass before either one of you initiates contact. This is when you need to ask yourself, would you honestly want her back in your life? Were the problems which led to the previous breakup too big to solve? What are the odds of them reoccuring? Do you miss her or do you miss the comfort of knowing you have her around?
Do you secretly crave the freedom to do whatever you want without answering to someone?
Regardless of what your answers are, be mature enough to be honest with yourself and your ex.
Until next time, CC.